Random thoughts#3

You have moved past into a better place,happier place,you think you are content.But then out of the blue your heart aches and you know it’s him.


Diary pages

Was it losing two babies in the last one and a half years of her marriage or the forever criticising in laws which transformed her?Or is it her past that is making her present and future so difficult.Nevertheless she has changed and that’s the truth.She laughs less,she goes out less,she reads less,she shops less,she talks to friends even lesser.Life has shrunk into this lesser confined space and she hardly has any place left to go now.

And it so happens

India is a country of unity in diversity,multilingual people,different religions,and age old customs,which make it unique in itself. While some of the customs and traditions are good ,many of them aren’t so. And the one in particular I want to highlight here today is dowry.Whilst things are changing I thought, dowry has become almost extinct, until I saw it happen to someone very close to me.

One of my best friends is getting married and the guy’s family has asked for 5 lakhs cash in dowry along with the fact that they won’t bear any wedding expense and they demanded the money in context of wedding arrangements! I mean duh! And yeah,on top of the 5 lakhs the guy’s parents expect the girl’s family to provide them of all the basic household things like tv,fridge,bed,almirah etc.Just a few days before they got engaged and it’s all over facebook,but looking at the guy all I could think was ‘what a lowly guy! what has he done to have the beautiful lady, 5 lakhs cash and no wedding expense. Just that he’s born with a dick? Yeah,born with a dick but no balls.ha!’

To no surprise, it so happened that the engagement rings for both guy and girl was bought by the girl’s parents. I mean the guy can’t even afford to buy her the ring of promise? When I questioned the girl regarding this, she was all over me,furious. To quote her exact words,’You are a person with negative thinking, they are poor and so they can’t afford the wedding,5 lakhs is not a big deal! One of my friend’s parents paid 30 lakhs in dowry as she got married to an IAS. This is a reasonable amount.’

I was of course shell shocked and hurt both at the same time. First of all her friend’s parents paying 30 lakhs dowry to IAS or whatever bullshit job the guy had was wrong in itself. So you cannot compare one wrong to another, it doesn’t makes the wrong right. And a guy who could afford flight tickets,fancy dress for engagement,earning a decent salary can’t afford you a ring? How would you live with him your whole life, what’s the guarantee he will support you for life? You want your parents to keep supporting him financially,once the 5 lakhs run out? And would the guy marry you if your parent’s cannot afford all of these demands? Are you sure about that?And how can one say 5 lakhs is not a big deal? Earn that 5 lakhs for yourself and you will realize how hard earned money it is by your father.I was hurt because I thought of her to be a strong willed and rational person. But alas that wasn’t the whole truth perhaps.

But at the end I wish for her to be happy. I wish that she has a very happy married life and that guy turns out as she is expecting him to be.


She was gazing through the window and looking at the hustle and bustle of the city. It was a busy city, everyone always occupied with problems of their own, trying hard to get a grasp over their lives. She had now become accustomed to the constant honking and shouting of the crowd on the busy road outside. It’s been 5 years since she moved here, with her husband Akaash. There’s been an arranged marriage. They had been a happy couple until…

Just a year after their marriage she got the most wonderful news; she was going to be a mom. She was on cloud nine. She started thinking of the day when she will start a new chapter of her life. She started weaving dreams of a new life with the child yet to come ,for he was the fruit of her love, pain and patience. She has waited for it for long and now experiencing the same was like living a dream. Akaash was also excited and happy and started preparing for the new member to come,they  baby proofed the house, brought necessary stuffs and were just waiting eagerly for the day to come,which was in just a week.

And that day came too,Kaaya was screaming in pain but she was elated inside, content,for this pain bore a fruitful reward. She gave birth to a boy but as soon as her dreams realized they were crushed too. The baby was born dead. Kaaya was utterly devastated. She transformed after it, she wouldn’t speak much,she would never laugh,she stopped going out at all.Her world had come to a standstill and life seem to come at halt for her.

But it wasn’t for long when again she was blessed with good news,she was happy but it didn’t overcome the loss of life she nurtured for 9 months and which wasn’t meant to be. They were overcautious this time but again within 4 months she lost the loved one,and then this happened again for 2 more times. Kaaya now became a lump of bones and flesh moving around. She was angry with the world,with GOD, with destiny. She slowly and steadily became someone else.Doctor visits and medicine became a regular routine but nothing changed and it so went on until few years uptil now…

 Uptil she met Sheena.She was her new neighbor.She assured Kaaya that there’s a way out of this misery.Kaaya was willing to do anything or try anything to have a baby.And when Sheena told her it’s possible she got a new strength and a new hope. They visited ‘Baba Golmaal’ the next day and told about her problem.What the baba advised them next was astounding and shocking but Kaaya was so driven by the instinct and pain of being a mother she convinced herself to try this last resort.

The next day she went to the nearby park. Many children were playing there,she used to go there too often and watch them play. Listen to them laughing and running around.It brought some peace to her maternal instincts which got satiated with the glimpse of these children. But it worked the other way too,it made her crave more for experiencing the amazing feeling of being a mother.Akaash suggested many times to adopt a child but she refused each time,she was stubborn to have a baby of her own and kept pushing him for realizing her desire.

The children were as usual screaming,running around and playing.One small child was sitting in one corner and watching everyone playing. He was really cute and must be just 4 years of age.Kaaya looked around and couldn’t find his mother or father anywhere near. Then the baba’s words echoed in her ears and she got up and went to that child.

She asked the child,what’s your name dear?

Kid: Ayaan

Kaaya looked around,no one was paying attention to her and the child,she picked him up and started walking.The kid didn’t oppose or cried,she started pacing even more briskly.No one stopped her and soon she crossed the red light and mingled in the crowd there.The child was enjoying being carried around and roaming, he didn’t cry at all.

She reached her apartment and closed the doors tightly and put all the curtains.She placed the kid on the sofa, and that’s when he started crying and asking for his mother. She went to him and talked sweetly to him,dear your mother is coming,till then have biscuits and went in kitchen.Soon she came with lots of biscuits and sweets filled in a big plate.But something else was also shining in that plate,the butcher’s knife and Kaayas eyes were glistening like a predator when he is about to catch his prey.

Baba’s words were echoing in her head and she couldn’t think beyond it,’Sacrifice!,sacrifice will get you what you want’.

There are thousands of people in our country who keeping their common sense at bay take the wrong path of supersitition.Do you really believe that some baba can solve your day to day or the biggest problems of your life for the matter? Life is full of struggles and everything can’t be hunky dory always.You will have to go through tribulations because that’s how life is.The fact is how you deal with what life throws at you.

It’s only when we stop believing in ourselves we put our faith in something/someone else than ourself,to something outside us.




She was walking on the grass bare footed.The greenery spawn miles across and she was like a butterfly fluttering away in the amass.But inside her everything was collapsing.She was afraid, nervous but then she was trying to feel alive,to breathe.She was claustrophobic,confined in a world she didn’t belong.

Because I am a woman


Because I am a woman so my place is in the kitchen…
Because I am a woman I have low iq by birth…
Because I am a woman I cannot have an opinion…
Because I am a woman I have no interest in politics or world affairs…
Because I am a woman I entertain men by dancing in skimpy clothes…
Because I am a woman I don’t like sci-fi movies…
Because I am a woman I am not a man…



Freedom, sounds like a familiar term,doesn’t it? We have wars on the name of freedom,but are we ever actually free? We are not even born free. All our lives we are enslaved by one thing or another. You can never do what you feel like what you should do or you want to. Because we all live in a society and the norms of society abides us to follow certain rules,killing free will. So that freedom is certainly not there. Then you have your desires which bind you and command you to do certain things in life, but you can’t always get everything you desire.Seems like we are not a free creature eh? And then comes your family, you need to do thing to please your father, your mother, even when what you want is completely different.So your whole life you live imprisoned in one barrier or another and then boast saying,we live in a free country!Come on. Sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to be a bird,free bird of course not caged.To fly wherever I want to,whenever I want. No one telling me what I should wear and what I shouldn’t. No one telling me when should i sleep, when should i wake up,when to eat,when to have my bath,whom to talk to,when to talk to someone.I am waiting for a day when I would be free, are we all waiting or anyone is actually free?

One day I would just be free,I know I would be.

That thing called satisfaction

Slowly, but steadily the volumne of serious posts are increasing,huh? Can’t help it folks!
It just so happened that today I was pondering..ya,I was actually thinking something! 😉 I don’t do it too often but then sometimes I just can’t help it. Even the most foolish people of all, at somedays have their wise/enlightening days.

Since past 3 months I haven’t been on any vacation and that really exhausted the life out of me. I was getting more irritated, dissatisfied with life and desperately needed a break. And then I started cursing how much I had to work/slog.But then in office today I just went to fill up my water bottle and saw this lady. This lady had squint in both her eyes and was working as a cleaner in office, but there she was sitting and having tea peacefully. She had a smile on her face. This made me wonder why am I not happy with what I have. Why is it so that seeing people even more miserable than us makes us realise the importance of what we have? Why are we unable to appreciate what we have?

How can one achieve satisfaction? Is it some golden mythical bird? I guess, in this busy and fast paced life, tough and competitive world, it is difficult to satiate one’s greed and desires.
So here I am for a day deciding and acting upon my satisfaction, to feel relaxed and calm with what I have. I love my family,my job, I love whatever I have! Yeah I really do 🙂 At least for today 😛