Have you ever thought about dying?What a relief it would be from all the chaos that life is. I am not trying to be suicidal here, just expressing my thoughts about death.I am not in love with life but I want to live because I am not a coward.I am not the one who would just give up.I don’t hate life either.I in-fact like it.I have nurtured life in my womb and I know how difficult it is to create a life.It is not my right to take it away or anybody else’s for the matter.
Why all this thought about life and death of a sudden, you might think. I often have thoughts about it all. Whenever the love of my life,disrespect’s me, yells at me,passes curt remarks and blunt statements,my thoughts start drifting and they end up all at life and death and its intricacies. And mind you this is a daily affair.He says he loves me, but I fail to understand what kind of love it is he has for me.He never respects me,in fact I never felt respected as an individual by him.I often even thought of getting out of this destructive relationship, but I have changed and he is changing, or so I think.Yesterday when I called him while he went out shopping with his mom, the way he talked rudely to me on phone, reminded me how when I was 8 months pregnant and wanted to buy a nice maternity dress for a photoshoot.We went shopping, both of us, I was really excited, we went shopping after almost an year.I loved a dress,I wanted to buy it but it won’t fit me till I delivered the baby. Also,I have already taken half an hour but hasn’t selected a dress for shoot.So he walked out and said he is leaving.I begged him to stay but he kept on walking.I begged him to give me my debit cards so I could shop, but he kept on walking.Not because I wanted a dress I won’t be able to wear for another 3 months but because it was already half an hour and I haven’t chosen a dress yet for the shoot.I burst out,pregnancy hormones aggravated my emotions and there I was with tearful eyes standing in the middle of PANTALOONS.It was already 1 hour and he was still shopping yesterday, he didn’t leave anyone there.In-fact he spent 2 hours shopping yesterday.
Sometimes I feel he behaves this way only with me.As if he is always angry with me. If I say anything, I don’t know on which sentence he would suddenly get angry on me.But you know I have also changed.This is no secret, its evident to everyone who knows me. I am becoming a replica of him. I am always angry now. I feel so,I don’t like myself most days now.I don’t want to be this person.But if I want to live with him I have to be this person. It’s tricky I tell you,this whole business of life.But yet I want to live,or so I think.