It’s been three weeks since I got the news and GOD..I am scared. Yes, scared to my innermost core. I want to be happy but I cannot be happy about it? Or am I wrong in being sad about it at all? No, not at all.
It’s there inside me, taking shape, becoming something, something which will one day be a part of this world outside. But I am not happy, I am scared. Yes, I am scared. I am scared about her. I am scared because I am afraid of what she will have to go through. I will be disgusted upon giving birth to her. I want celebrations, I want sweets, smiles on faces of all I love and have loved. I want her to be loved. Do I want too much?
I am scared. Is marriage an obligation for bringing her into this world? People will say things to her, ask her who her dad is, will treat her differently. I am scared. I am scared she might have to go through what I went. What if one day she is standing at the same cross roads where I am? It’s not an easy place to live for a woman, this place India. They ravaged my body, tethered my soul and left me with scars on body and on soul which can never be healed. They made me lifeless. But then, how can life exist in such lifeless form? What will happen to her? She might not be what I wanted or I planned for right now,but she is here. I am scared.
It’s a dark abyss and I am scared. I am scared of what will happen? My next step can be a start of a new life for her. But I am scared if it would be worth living, for I died a thousand deaths in this one life of mine, crawling and moving among the lump of other masses. Or,another step can be an end for her, she would be saved from this circle,the circle of life.She is anyways not wanted. But do I have the right to take it away from her? Her gift of life? Just because she wasn’t a fruit of my love, she doesn’t deserve love? Just because she might be a part of those savages she is savage too and must be discarded?
I just know that I am scared.I am scared to hell.
P.S.: A serious post! Couldn’t help it 🙂