Volia!I made it to week 7.Delighted and still worrying.Next scan is after 3 weeks.A long wait…But the nausea is now accompanied with vomitting.I am puking 4 times a day no matter what I eat or drink.I am not able to take any kind of food.I hope this doesn’t affects the baby.Avi is so angry at me for not eating.But my nausea and vomitting is not letting me eat even my normal meals.My diet has drastically reduced.We went to the doc and she gave some pills to help prevent vomitting.It is helping a bit but most of the times it doesn’t works.I am having too much fatigue and sleep all the time.
To everyone the other person looks more content and happy.Isn’t it? If you have enough money,a good husbands, a beautiful baby, then your life may seem perfect to anyone. But you are still in turmoil and fighting depression, which only perhaps your husband knows, if he hasn’t assumed that you are a bickering bitch.i don’t know when depression creeped into my life. But I think I know it may have started after I lost my Mom 10 years back. Life has never been the same since then. I was not born in a wealthy family. We were intact quite poor. I completed my education on scholarship and my mom’s support.She fought a lot for my education with my father.
But once I lost her,life changed.It was like I lost the only pillar which was holding me.My brother became a father to me I never had.He took the responsibility of filling in for my mom.But as I had to leave home just few months after I lost her for my first job ever as a 20 year old.I tried to find the strength and solace in my friends. From an extremely shy and reserved person I turned into an extrovert and made numerous friends. my phone would always be ringing because people wanted to talk to me, they loved me, liked me.But then life had other plans for me.I learned a lot of lessons, most of them the hard way. The friends I made stood by me through those rough times.Everything I went through made me the person I am today.But lately I have been losing myself, the person I was and I was proud of being that way.Because I was true to myself and my values.
Before I got married to the wonderful man named “Mojo Jojo” so dearly by me, only a handful know I was engaged to a very vile man. It was a arranged match.I was in UK,he was in US.Before I was leaving for my official term to UK,his parents came to see me, they said they liked me after seeing me and our alliance was fixed without us even meeting each other. My father is a very conservative man, for him my opinion doesn’t matters.As for the guy, he had seen my pics ,talked to me, liked me,his parents just came and said yes.Since after that day my life turned into a downward spiral. Every time we would talk, he would tell me, how his parents didn’t like how I looked but just because he liked me,he said yes.Then when I went to UK his sister came to see me,he said she didn’t like how I look, but he likes me nevertheless. Then he would tell me, how he doesn’t likes the way I laugh, the way I talk, the way I think, but he would still marry me, because he likes me, duh!!!I was suffocating, but I didn’t have the option to say NO. If I do that my father would disown me, like he had done last time, when he sent me a guy’s pic and told me he has fixed my match with him and I should come home. And I told him without talking to the guy or meeting him,I would not agree, plus I was still studying and i had my last semester left. That just enraged my dad. He said I am dead for him and I need not come home. I held my ground and so he called me after a month one fine day,as if nothing had happened.Later I got to know the guy’s family have rejected the proposal from my dad.GOD has been my saviour!!!And then the guy decided when we would be getting engaged as he had planned his holidays that time.I was instructed to leave my assignment and come home before the date.And so I did. We got engaged and he told me he didn’t like the way I looked the day after our engagement.I was shattered. I had to go to Hyderabad for giving KT.I went to Bangalore to my friends to celebrate new year with them. He insisted me to meet one of his very close friend there.I obliged. The next day he called off the engagement.He just said on the phone he is breaking the engagement BECAUSE I DON’T LOOK GOOD. His friend I actually met was his ex and she also didn’t like how I looked.That was what he told me.I did not tell at my home what he said, but I don’t know why instead of being happy I was sad, really sad and I spent the new year crying.Thank GOD I had my friends around me.My bestie also came from Pune to Hyd.She kept saying why are you crying dear, you should rejoice!But to no avail. And then I got a call from my dad.He was furious and shouting on me. You see the story he told to break off the engagement was,I abused him and used lot of filthy slangs for him.Well I actually told him, what a disgusting person you are when he told me he is breaking off the engagement because I am not good looking.The word “DISGUSTING” was the only word I used.That day for the first time I shouted when my father was shouting on me on phone. I told him without even listening to me, how can you just believe an outsider and whatever he said. Don’t you know me enough?That I can never use obscene language with anybody.Then I told him what all had happened.And to my surprise for the first time in my life my dad supported me. he called the guy’s father and gave them fair warning to spread such lies. That day I learned another lesson.If a relationship breaks it’s always the girl’s fault.The guy can never be wrong.That’s how our society is.They will always question the girl, that she must have done something wrong that’s why the guy called it off.
Well I didn’t brood and cry long for that moron.Within a week I composed myself. I decided I will chose my life partner and so I did. I might have expressed a lot of negative opinion about my beloved “Mojo Jojo” on my blog here. But i always blog when I am sad after a fight. So today I want to express the other side of the coin.Why I married this man and why I love him? How he is one of the most wonderful people in the world and how he is the sugar in my coffee?
I started talking to Mojo Mojo just a month after all the shit I explained above happened. We started our talks for the purpose of marriage. He approached me through Shaddi.com on Facebook. I told him what had happened recently and how painful it had been nevertheless. He not only helped me recover through that trauma, he also brought out the best in me. He made me laugh.He has this amazing sense of humour and he makes me laugh every single day.Even the days we fight and we cry. We would be in this major fight and out of the blue he would be like ‘Oh!your periods are due honey!It’s just the hormones.Calm down.’ Or he would just come and give me a hug.He is not a typical man. He does the laundry almost always and he can cook better than me.Infact he pampers me a lot.When we got married my orthodox mother in law would expect me to cook even after i left home at 7 morning and reached home at 7 in evening. Though we had maid for cooking.Mojo Jojo would come in the kitchen and help me in cooking, and not be that typical man who thinks that cooking is a woman’s job. When she kept insisting me to leave my job he kept standing by my-side and tell her that she will work. Even when after our baby was born I was jittery about going to work again,but he gave me confidence and took an odd shift to support me and looks after our baby first half of the day. It’s not that he doesn’t earns enough or needs the extra money. He knows how important it is for me that I be independent.He is an IIT and IIM alumni mind you, and he cracked these entrances without any coaching.His parents are not wealthy and belong to a small village in Jharkhand.He is a completely self made man and that’s what attracted me towards him.How he fought for us to be married when his parents demanded dowry and declined the proposal. He stood firm that they won’t take any dowry else he would not marry anyone.He is a man of great character and values.
Still being married to this great,amazing man we have had lots of issues. But then that’s what relationships are all about right? How you hold together inspite of all this. The only thing that is weakening our relationship is his lack of respect for me.I don’t feel respected by him and he doesn’t values my opinion.He has this arrogance,which I missed to see before marriage.He thinks he is always right and he can never be wrong about anything.That he is the smartest of all and everyone else is dumb.His emotional quotient is in the negative if I were to evaluate the same. But this all becomes too much to handle because of the criticism and judging I face from my mother in law on a daily basis. How i am not still family for her and my need to be accepted as a daughter and not daughter in law. Marriage is already difficult. We would have had lesser issues and fights if I didn’t have to be mentally strained daily by inlaws as well.If every sentence I say or every action of mine wouldn’t have been scrutinised by mother in law, life would be infinitely better.But it is difficult for her to change herself at this age and as much difficult for me to accept all this as usual,and live with it.Why can’t we live as a family? I am getting bitter day by day due to this and sinking into depression.Why life’s so complicated?Duh!
Have you ever thought about dying?What a relief it would be from all the chaos that life is. I am not trying to be suicidal here, just expressing my thoughts about death.I am not in love with life but I want to live because I am not a coward.I am not the one who would just give up.I don’t hate life either.I in-fact like it.I have nurtured life in my womb and I know how difficult it is to create a life.It is not my right to take it away or anybody else’s for the matter.
Why all this thought about life and death of a sudden, you might think. I often have thoughts about it all. Whenever the love of my life,disrespect’s me, yells at me,passes curt remarks and blunt statements,my thoughts start drifting and they end up all at life and death and its intricacies. And mind you this is a daily affair.He says he loves me, but I fail to understand what kind of love it is he has for me.He never respects me,in fact I never felt respected as an individual by him.I often even thought of getting out of this destructive relationship, but I have changed and he is changing, or so I think.Yesterday when I called him while he went out shopping with his mom, the way he talked rudely to me on phone, reminded me how when I was 8 months pregnant and wanted to buy a nice maternity dress for a photoshoot.We went shopping, both of us, I was really excited, we went shopping after almost an year.I loved a dress,I wanted to buy it but it won’t fit me till I delivered the baby. Also,I have already taken half an hour but hasn’t selected a dress for shoot.So he walked out and said he is leaving.I begged him to stay but he kept on walking.I begged him to give me my debit cards so I could shop, but he kept on walking.Not because I wanted a dress I won’t be able to wear for another 3 months but because it was already half an hour and I haven’t chosen a dress yet for the shoot.I burst out,pregnancy hormones aggravated my emotions and there I was with tearful eyes standing in the middle of PANTALOONS.It was already 1 hour and he was still shopping yesterday, he didn’t leave anyone there.In-fact he spent 2 hours shopping yesterday.
Sometimes I feel he behaves this way only with me.As if he is always angry with me. If I say anything, I don’t know on which sentence he would suddenly get angry on me.But you know I have also changed.This is no secret, its evident to everyone who knows me. I am becoming a replica of him. I am always angry now. I feel so,I don’t like myself most days now.I don’t want to be this person.But if I want to live with him I have to be this person. It’s tricky I tell you,this whole business of life.But yet I want to live,or so I think.
The dreaded week has arrived.Last year I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and I m constantly panicking at every pain and over analyzing things.This week the nausea kicked in for the first time.I feel so nauseous I am hardly able to eat much.The scan happened at 6 weeks 4 days and GOD was I anxious.But then we saw a strong heartbeat and i breathed a sigh of relief.But still just can’t stop worrying.Keeping fingers crossed!
So it’s been finally a week since I got the great news and I am scared all the time of losing my source of joy. But praying helps. My newly wed sis in law and her husband came to visit us at Holi and so that week we didn’t go to the doctor. I was already having folic acid since past 2 months. We went to the doctor this week and she gave some pregnancy supporting hormonal tablets due to my miscarriage last year. I am just feeling really tired all the time. I called my manager and informed of the news as I have been advised to avoid exertion and take it slow. I was denied work from home which I requested and have been advised to go on loss of pay for the next two months or until I can rejoin office. Also my manager advised me as a friend that I should consider quitting my job and I was like Whhhhat??? She didn’t even consult the HR for providing me work from home but I am feeling really exhausted and want to avoid any kind of strain so will be at home for next 2 months and then take it up further.
Well yes I am pregnant. And I was delighted when I got to know the news on the day of Holi this year. I lost a baby last year and one an year before that(which was the biggest mistake of my life). I have never been happy ever since I deprived myself of the gift of motherhood from GOD. And yes I believe I deserved all the misery I went through after that, I have earned it through my horrendous action.
But now I want to experience motherhood and to be forgiven.I want to be completed as a woman. Just keeping my fingers crossed and praying!
Girl likes boy.Boy likes girl.Both decide to get married.Girls and Boys parents conversation:
Girl’s Parents : What are your expectations?How should the wedding arrangements be done?
Boy’s Parents : We have one daughter also whom we need to marry.So we can’t spend any penny on our boy’s marriage.You should do all the wedding arrangements and engagement and whatever gold you want to give your daughter,please do.But make sure at least its 20 tulas(200g).This is like the minimum threshold.If you want to give more than your wish.
Girls Parents: This sounds reasonable.We agree.
(Me : WTF!Reasonable???)
Boy’s Parents: Our son is an ISB product.His market value is 25 lakhs,perhaps even more.So if you can afford that much cash too then this deal is final.
Girl’s parents: Sure.Why not?We slogged all life and saved all money for our daughter only not for our old age.She is such a burden.Just take our daughter,we are ready to pay you 25 lakhs.Infact we will try and give more.
After knowing about the deal.
Girl : Yeh!We are getting married.My parents saved their hard earned money for this dowry only.Apne yaha yahi toh chalta hai.Chalo deal is final.I am so excited!
Boy : Yes.Let us start shopping using your parent’s hard earned money.I don’t have caliber to marry you myself without all the cash.You are my dream come true.I am so lucky to be a well educated Bihari boy.
How the girl boy conversation should have been:
Girl: Yaar,don’t you think this dowry and all is wrong and ruining our society.Female foeticide is so high in our country because of all this.What if my parent’s can’t afford 200g gold or 25 lakhs?Or bear all wedding expense themselves.Would you not marry me then?And why should they spend all their hard earned life savings like this?Aren’t we capable and educated enough to make a living ourselves?
Boy : You are right sweetheart.We can have a small wedding and avoid all this.Let’s both talk to our parents about this.
P.S.: Above scenario are my own thoughts about dowry in bihar.If it bears resemblance to any real situation then it’s just a sad coincidence.
Has it ever so happened that you can’t stop contemplating about life and people around you.And while doing the same realized that you are all alone.There is no one who truly cares about you or loves you for who you are.Those so called friends of yours or your family for the matter.When you feel that way then please know I love you.I really love you for who you are,unconditionally,truly,deeply.Today and forever.Even when you think of yourself as a terrible,horrible person.Please know that I love the real you and its innocent and has suffered a lot.Please know its okay to feel that way.Please know I am there for you.
You have moved past into a better place,happier place,you think you are content.But then out of the blue your heart aches and you know it’s him.
Was it losing two babies in the last one and a half years of her marriage or the forever criticising in laws which transformed her?Or is it her past that is making her present and future so difficult.Nevertheless she has changed and that’s the truth.She laughs less,she goes out less,she reads less,she shops less,she talks to friends even lesser.Life has shrunk into this lesser confined space and she hardly has any place left to go now.