Pregnancy diaries-Week 6


The dreaded week has arrived.Last year I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and I m constantly panicking at every pain and over analyzing things.This week the nausea kicked in for the first time.I feel so nauseous I am hardly able to eat much.The scan happened at 6 weeks 4 days and GOD was I anxious.But then we saw a strong heartbeat and i breathed a sigh of relief.But still just can’t stop worrying.Keeping fingers crossed!

Pregnancy diaries – Week 5



So it’s been finally a week since I got the great news and I am scared all the time of losing my source of joy. But praying helps. My newly wed sis in law and her husband came to visit us at Holi and so that week we didn’t go to the doctor. I was already having folic acid since past 2 months. We went to the doctor this week and she gave some pregnancy supporting hormonal tablets due to my miscarriage last year. I am just feeling really tired all the time. I called my manager and informed of the news as I have been advised to avoid exertion and take it slow. I was denied work from home which I requested and have been advised to go on loss of pay for the next two months or until I can rejoin office. Also my manager advised me as a friend that I should consider quitting my job and I was like Whhhhat??? She didn’t even consult the HR for providing me work from home but I am feeling really exhausted and want to avoid any kind of strain so will be at home for next 2 months and then take it up further.


Pregnancy diaries – Week 4



Well yes I am pregnant. And I was delighted when I got to know the news on the day of Holi this year. I lost a baby last year and one an year before that(which was the biggest mistake of my life). I have never been happy ever since I deprived myself of the gift of motherhood from GOD. And yes I believe I deserved all the misery I went through after that, I have earned it through my horrendous action.

But now I want to experience motherhood and to be forgiven.I want to be completed as a woman. Just keeping my fingers crossed and praying!

Atithi tum kab jaoge?

Well being married since last 2.5 years have taught me a lot of things.Most important that you not only marry the person but the whole family.I love my hubby’s whole family..all but one.As I have got the typical,cynical and classical saas(mother in law).

I always thought that it depends on you how well you handle any relationship but time has taught me that a relationship is not only about you.It’s about both persons involved in a relationship.And I have given up on my relationship with her.I tried my best to respect her and love her like my mother but that only ended up in hurting me in the long run.Hurt so badly that i went into depression for sometime.

If i start counting and narrating all the instances than one post won’t be enough.It would require 50-60 posts…ha ha…

So now I don’t treat her like my mother but just another guest in our house and that helps!The only agony being, this guest lives with us with an exception of 2-3 months a year.Those months used to be my healing period before I can be hurt again.But then, now I have changed and so have things.Ofcourse for the better!

The wait has again started after her arrival..Atithi tum kab jaoge?


Bihar exclusive:


Girl likes boy.Boy likes girl.Both decide to get married.Girls and Boys parents conversation:

Girl’s Parents : What are your expectations?How should the wedding arrangements be done?

Boy’s Parents : We have one daughter also whom we need to marry.So we can’t spend any penny on our boy’s marriage.You should do all the wedding arrangements and engagement and whatever gold you want to give your daughter,please do.But make sure at least its 20 tulas(200g).This is like the minimum threshold.If you want to give more than your wish.

Girls Parents: This sounds reasonable.We agree.
(Me : WTF!Reasonable???)

Boy’s Parents: Our son is an ISB product.His market value is 25 lakhs,perhaps even more.So if you can afford that much cash too then this deal is final.

Girl’s parents: Sure.Why not?We slogged all life and saved all money for our daughter only not for our old age.She is such a burden.Just take our daughter,we are ready to pay you 25 lakhs.Infact we will try and give more.

After knowing about the deal.

Girl : Yeh!We are getting married.My parents saved their hard earned money for this dowry only.Apne yaha yahi toh chalta hai.Chalo deal is final.I am so excited!

Boy : Yes.Let us start shopping using your parent’s hard earned money.I don’t have caliber to marry you myself without all the cash.You are my dream come true.I am so lucky to be a well educated Bihari boy.


How the girl boy conversation should have been:

Girl: Yaar,don’t you think this dowry and all is wrong and ruining our society.Female foeticide is so high in our country because of all this.What if my parent’s can’t afford 200g gold or 25 lakhs?Or bear all wedding expense themselves.Would you not marry me then?And why should they spend all their hard earned life savings like this?Aren’t we capable and educated enough to make a living ourselves?

Boy : You are right sweetheart.We can have a small wedding and avoid all this.Let’s both talk to our parents about this.


P.S.: Above scenario are my own thoughts about dowry in bihar.If it bears resemblance to any real situation then it’s just a sad coincidence.

Note to self

Has it ever so happened that you can’t stop contemplating about life and people around you.And while doing the same realized that you are all alone.There is no one who truly cares about you or loves you for who you are.Those so called friends of yours or your family for the matter.When you feel that way then please know I love you.I really love you for who you are,unconditionally,truly,deeply.Today and forever.Even when you think of yourself as a terrible,horrible person.Please know that I love the real you and its innocent and has suffered a lot.Please know its okay to feel that way.Please know I am there for you.


Diary pages

Was it losing two babies in the last one and a half years of her marriage or the forever criticising in laws which transformed her?Or is it her past that is making her present and future so difficult.Nevertheless she has changed and that’s the truth.She laughs less,she goes out less,she reads less,she shops less,she talks to friends even lesser.Life has shrunk into this lesser confined space and she hardly has any place left to go now.


She was gazing through the window and looking at the hustle and bustle of the city. It was a busy city, everyone always occupied with problems of their own, trying hard to get a grasp over their lives. She had now become accustomed to the constant honking and shouting of the crowd on the busy road outside. It’s been 5 years since she moved here, with her husband Akaash. There’s been an arranged marriage. They had been a happy couple until…

Just a year after their marriage she got the most wonderful news; she was going to be a mom. She was on cloud nine. She started thinking of the day when she will start a new chapter of her life. She started weaving dreams of a new life with the child yet to come ,for he was the fruit of her love, pain and patience. She has waited for it for long and now experiencing the same was like living a dream. Akaash was also excited and happy and started preparing for the new member to come,they  baby proofed the house, brought necessary stuffs and were just waiting eagerly for the day to come,which was in just a week.

And that day came too,Kaaya was screaming in pain but she was elated inside, content,for this pain bore a fruitful reward. She gave birth to a boy but as soon as her dreams realized they were crushed too. The baby was born dead. Kaaya was utterly devastated. She transformed after it, she wouldn’t speak much,she would never laugh,she stopped going out at all.Her world had come to a standstill and life seem to come at halt for her.

But it wasn’t for long when again she was blessed with good news,she was happy but it didn’t overcome the loss of life she nurtured for 9 months and which wasn’t meant to be. They were overcautious this time but again within 4 months she lost the loved one,and then this happened again for 2 more times. Kaaya now became a lump of bones and flesh moving around. She was angry with the world,with GOD, with destiny. She slowly and steadily became someone else.Doctor visits and medicine became a regular routine but nothing changed and it so went on until few years uptil now…

 Uptil she met Sheena.She was her new neighbor.She assured Kaaya that there’s a way out of this misery.Kaaya was willing to do anything or try anything to have a baby.And when Sheena told her it’s possible she got a new strength and a new hope. They visited ‘Baba Golmaal’ the next day and told about her problem.What the baba advised them next was astounding and shocking but Kaaya was so driven by the instinct and pain of being a mother she convinced herself to try this last resort.

The next day she went to the nearby park. Many children were playing there,she used to go there too often and watch them play. Listen to them laughing and running around.It brought some peace to her maternal instincts which got satiated with the glimpse of these children. But it worked the other way too,it made her crave more for experiencing the amazing feeling of being a mother.Akaash suggested many times to adopt a child but she refused each time,she was stubborn to have a baby of her own and kept pushing him for realizing her desire.

The children were as usual screaming,running around and playing.One small child was sitting in one corner and watching everyone playing. He was really cute and must be just 4 years of age.Kaaya looked around and couldn’t find his mother or father anywhere near. Then the baba’s words echoed in her ears and she got up and went to that child.

She asked the child,what’s your name dear?

Kid: Ayaan

Kaaya looked around,no one was paying attention to her and the child,she picked him up and started walking.The kid didn’t oppose or cried,she started pacing even more briskly.No one stopped her and soon she crossed the red light and mingled in the crowd there.The child was enjoying being carried around and roaming, he didn’t cry at all.

She reached her apartment and closed the doors tightly and put all the curtains.She placed the kid on the sofa, and that’s when he started crying and asking for his mother. She went to him and talked sweetly to him,dear your mother is coming,till then have biscuits and went in kitchen.Soon she came with lots of biscuits and sweets filled in a big plate.But something else was also shining in that plate,the butcher’s knife and Kaayas eyes were glistening like a predator when he is about to catch his prey.

Baba’s words were echoing in her head and she couldn’t think beyond it,’Sacrifice!,sacrifice will get you what you want’.

There are thousands of people in our country who keeping their common sense at bay take the wrong path of supersitition.Do you really believe that some baba can solve your day to day or the biggest problems of your life for the matter? Life is full of struggles and everything can’t be hunky dory always.You will have to go through tribulations because that’s how life is.The fact is how you deal with what life throws at you.

It’s only when we stop believing in ourselves we put our faith in something/someone else than ourself,to something outside us.